I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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