Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
