my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
