like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
