Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
