hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
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I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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