My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
