i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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