im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My bed smells like the plague
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