rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i need some magic done to my vagina
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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