I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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