My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
