One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
