how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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