I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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