Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
