She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
