They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
