i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
