I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i have two assholes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
