i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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