his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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