how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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