Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
