Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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