Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
