You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
