Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
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I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
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I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize