so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
