I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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