no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
