I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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