hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
