That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
