i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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