I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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