where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
