i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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