I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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