Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
