My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
