Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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