im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
