Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the day after is always just damage control
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
