Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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