just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
