remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
