i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
