I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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