My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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