I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
