i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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