Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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