Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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