i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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