no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
