guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
