guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
