I think I am morally bankrupt
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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