what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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