And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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