She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
