DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
