Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
