I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
