The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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